


Two Guys in a Bar: An ERB Fanfiction

by Alicorn8210



Category: Epic Rap Battles of History (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Backstory for Canon, Bar Room Brawl, Beer, Drinking & Talking, Gen, Gin & Tonic, Heavy Drinking, Insults, John Mulaney References, Lynyrd Skynyrd References, Possible Beginning for Series?, Short One Shot, Taking shots, Tom Jones References, Trying To Explain Why Canon Exists, Whiskey - Freeform, before canon, idk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23692264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alicorn8210/pseuds/Alicorn8210
Summary: A oneshot proceeding the events of "Tony Hawk vs. Wayne Gretzky". Tony and Wayne meet at a bar. At first, things are normal, but one of them may nudge the other the wrong way...
Comments: 7
Kudos: 1





	Two Guys in a Bar: An ERB Fanfiction

**Author's Note:**

> THIS ONESHOT IS BASED OFF THE WAY THE CHARACTERS WERE PORTRAYED IN ERB. Yes, I know that they’re based on real historical figures, but based on all the pop culture references people in ERB make, I like to believe that they’re still separate characters. Think of it like the trope "Very Loosely Based On A True Story". Anyway, with that out of the way, let’s get started.

It looked like every movie you had ever seen.

Long, sleek bars made of dark mahogany with a deep color that looked almost like really pure maple syrup.

Neon lights of green and blue and orange shining down on the patrons sitting at said bar.

The busy bustle of chatter filling the background, preventing you from hearing whatever the jukebox was playing. But it was probably just the 10th replay of “Free Bird”, anyway.

Pristine see-through glasses lining the bartender’s little table in front of him.

A seemingly endless collection of drinks and liquids and such behind him. Seriously, some of that stuff might actually be ILLEGAL now!

As mentioned before, one of those fancy modern jukeboxes that allow you to hook up to it using your phone and play whatever you want (except “What’s New, Pussycat” more than once, otherwise the bartender will throw you out).

And to top it all off, a huge empty picture frame with a piece of yellowing paper in it, covered in signatures of all the famous (or at least noteworthy) people who had drunk in that bar.

And earlier tonight, two more men had added their names.

Emptying out a small shot glass of whiskey, Wayne Gretzky clunked it down on the tabletop, the way of telling the bartender that you wanted more.

Having just poured another guy way across the bar a gin and tonic, the bartender shuffled over to Wayne in his funny little way. He picked up the shot glass and the bottle of whiskey and quickly refilled the glass.

As the bartender handed Wayne the shot glass, he eyed him in a strange manner. “This is your fourth shot of whiskey. You sure you’re alright?” he asked.

Wayne gave him a shy grin. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he said. “I’m just tired is all,”

The bartender let out a hearty sigh, putting his hands on his hips. “I definitely know how THAT feels, kid,” he looked down.

An exclamation of “BARTENDER!” from a distant corner of the bar lifted his head up and led him to said corner, leaving Wayne alone with his glass and his thoughts.

Instead of chugging it down like he had with the first three glasses, Wayne decided to savor this precious amount of amber liquid.

Staring down at the glass, he swore he saw his reflection staring right back at him.

“So...what’s up?”

Wayne lifted his head. A man with shaggy hair and a shabby flannel shirt was sitting next to him.

“Oh, uh...hi,”

The man stared down at Wayne’s glass. “You’re REALLY putting those away tonight, aren’t you?”

Wayne chuckled. “Yeah,” he said with a smile on his face. “I’m just really tired, so…”

“Yeah,” the man laughed. “Me, too,”

Wayne’s eyes drifted away from him for a second. “What’s, um...what’s your name?”

“Tony,” the man said. “Tony Hawk,”

“Wayne Gretzky,” Wayne shook Tony’s hand. “Nice to meet you, Tony,”

“Likewise, Wayne,” Tony smiled. He stared at Wayne in an intrigued way for a second before taking another drink of his beer.

“So...hockey player?” Tony asked after putting his beer down and glancing at Wayne’s Oilers jersey.

“Yep,” Wayne chirped with a smile. “Edmonton Oilers,”

“I can see that,” Tony replied.

“And you are?” Wayne looked at Tony with slight curiosity.

“Skateboarder,” Tony responded, looking a little bit proud. “A professional skateboarder,”

“Huh. Cool,”

“Thanks,” Tony and Wayne simultaneously sipped their drinks. Tony looked back at Wayne.

“So, I guess you could say we’re both ‘skaters’, huh?” Tony asked.

Wayne looked up at Tony. “Huh?” he asked, clearly confused.

“You know?” Tony asked, thinking the connection was obvious. “Hockey involves ice skating, and…”

“Oh!” Wayne exclaimed, finally getting it. “That makes sense,”

The two men looked back at the counter. Tony, once again, looked at Wayne.

“I bet I’m a better skater than you!” Tony teased playfully yet competitively.

“No way, dude!” Wayne scoffed, waving his hand. “I’m the star of my team! The star of my SPORT!”

“Oh, yeah? Well, SO AM I!” Tony shot back.

The two men got up from their seats and stared at each other with newfound fury. The other patrons of the bar started to notice what was going on and turned their heads towards Tony and Wayne, internally placing their bets on who would win.

“You’re just an overrated, goody-two-shoes skater with a stick!” Tony provoked.

“Hmph! Bold words from someone who’s been married FOUR TIMES!” Wayne yelled.

Tony was taken aback slightly at the comment. Wayne had dug deep, and now he was actually ANGRY instead of just pissed off.

“Oh, you wanna go, bro?” Tony cracked his knuckles, his eyes ablaze with rage.

“Oh, yeah, BRO,” Wayne replied, adding some sarcasm to the word “bro”.

As the men stared each other down, the bartender, having just noticed the situation, put down the glass he was cleaning and rag he was using to clean it and ran into a back room. No, not just A back room. THE back room. The room where, for many years-in fact, ever since the bar had been ESTABLISHED-you could call on a mysterious entity to help settle fights between two or more famous people. I know-oddly specific, right?

The bartender kneeled down and cried, “O, great Announcer! O, mighty sir! Please, I ask of you, help settle this fight between professional skateboarder Tony Hawk and professional hockey player Wayne Gretzky!”

A blue light filled the room, signaling that the call had been heard and, more importantly, answered.

Now suddenly filled with more knowledge of each other, Tony and Wayne slid further away from each other, as the world around them began to warp and change. Tony was suddenly in a skate park, and Wayne was suddenly in a hockey rink.

An 80s-esque beat started to play from no discernible source, and, seemingly from the heavens above, a voice, in the grandest and hammiest way possible, cried, “EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!”

**Author's Note:**

> This MIGHT become a series in which I do this for other battles, but only if enough people are interested.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Kudos, bookmarks, and comments about what you liked are GREATLY appreciated!


End file.
